Dear Diary...A letter to self!

On the 27th March 2020 South Africa entered into a historic 21 day lockdown.
For many this signaled an opportunity to switch off and dial into things they never had time for.
For the active, this meant coming up with alternative solutions to maintaining their active lifestyles while confined to one location.

As the days went on by, discomfort set in. For parents, the mammoth task of juggling work and 5th grade Math proved to be a bit too much.
And as Lockdwon was extended, people started to feel an intense type of cabin fever.
Livelihoods were threatened and it became a mental warfare to accept that we were being held captive by an invisible enemy.

The time within your own thoughts took many down an uncomfortable road littered with thoughts and emotions left unaddressed, closets filled with dreams unrealized, choices made in haste and yet to be confronted truths.

We are now in what has been termed level 4 of a 5 fold lockdown plan - when we take a count, we have officially been locked in for more than 40 days...today being the 46th day to be exact.

I am not going to lie, I have hit incredible highs and some intense lows and each day has presented different forms of emotions and challenges. I have been forced to take a long hard stare into the mirror and reintroduce myself to the girl I have lived with for 36 years.
Who is she? Is she happy with the choices she has made? Is she content?

One thing that has always remained consistent is my ability to put my thoughts on paper. I penned a letter to myself in an attempt to tap into who I really am and the life decisions I am to make to get myself to where I need to be.
I am going after my happy...whatever that looks and feels like. I want to drench myself in HAPPY...mind, body and soul.

Dear Darling Girl, 

Nice to meet you...

I kinda like meeting you this way, in your natural form stripped of all the layers that you have put on over the years to present to the world and those around you the package you convinced yourself was what they wanted.

Girl, when was the last time you looked into the mirror and thought about yourself and what you need to do for yourself to get to the highest pinnacle of your contentment.
Sounds selfish? Well maybe it is, but I reckon it is a much needed type of selfish!
Let's start by addressing why it is you thought you were never good enough?
Why you beat yourself black and blue because your friend showed more attention to the next friend?
Why you went against your very grain to fit in, blend in and be accepted?
Why you spent so much time and energy seeking approval?

Yes, that blemish that stays stuck on you no matter where you go and whoever you meet.
Who put it there? Why have you let it hold you captive for so long?

Let me start by reminding you that your name is Thandiwe, a Zulu name that means the one who is loved...how dare you go all these years not giving yourself the love you so badly craved from others? Ever stopped to think that what you spent so many years looking for others to provide was right there inside of you waiting to be given the permission to operate?
Yes, you were rejected as a baby, nothing you could have done about it, those were the bad decisions made by those God chose and trusted to be the vessels  that gave you life but have you stopped to take a minute to realize that when you were named, it was a moment in time that should have set you on a path of self love?

Have you done yourself any favors by holding yourself captive in that deep routed resentment you hold towards your mother?
You choose to parent your children using a prototype set by the couple who raised you, nothing wrong with that because they did a fine job getting you through life but have you taken the time to unpack the fact that you spent your entire teenage-hood doing everything you could to make them happy and express your gratitude for their rescuing you from a life of not being wanted? Your reason for living became making your mother content and reassuring her that you would always choose her.

You spent so much time in the prison of your reality that you at 22 years of age, unconsciously chose marriage to liberate yourself from the constant pressures to choose between the feuding parents.
When have you ever chosen yourself?
Did choosing to enter into another family to escape your own get you the fulfillment and freedom you thought you deserved?

Here you are in Lockdown, and it has unlocked the next level of prison,will you finally force yourself to slow down, break down those walls and free the girl you have kept in bondage for so long?

It starts with forgiving yourself...I admit that I am going to hurt some people on my journey to recovery. I am going to make peace with the transformation of some or all of my relationships.
I am going to be kinder to myself and show myself the love I always thought I needed to work so hard for.
I am going to retrace my steps, uncover the decisions I chose not to make out of fear of being judged or misunderstood, I will encourage  myself to have those conversations I chose to ignore.
I will accept myself for who I am and I will also accept that not everyone I have met was meant to be a part of my life but were all a part of my journey that has led me to this moment.

I will become a better friend to myself before I attempt to rebuild broken friendships. I will pay tribute to those who have seen beyond my facade and have dared to tap into the girl I kept hidden.
I will stop to acknowledge the times I felt debilitating anger and pain, I will forgive my transgressors and I will release what is not meant for me.
I will learn to apologize because in accepting my faults, I am allowing myself to grow and learn through maturity.
I will celebrate myself because I have done pretty damn amazing things, I have refused to stay down when the odds were stacked up against me.

Girlfriend, the journey is going to be long and hard, you will be met with shame, anger and pain.
But is all starts with starting...to build a new solid structure calls for the demolition of the old and unstable one. To take time in paying attention to what is worth salvaging and to give way for a complete makeover.

I don't know, maybe after all is said and done I will emerge from the journey and be able to tell you I love you, but for now I commit to stop hiding, to stop ignoring your voice, to let you lead me and I promise to love the journey no matter what it may bring.

You and I have been locked down but not defeated, let's embark on your journey to true liberation and the life you deserve.

Nice to meet you Thandiwe, let's do this!
One thing I can promise you is that the choices aren't that bad really, simply put you will WIN or LEARN!

Regards,
Yourself!